Help! I’ve Been Estranged From My Dad for a Decade. Now I Have to Sit With Him at My Brother’s Wedding. (2024)

Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Scared of Small Talk.”

Dear Prudence,

I (32F) went no contact with my dad about a decade ago for a lot of reasons, but mostly that I couldn’t handle his flagrant narcissism or taking his mood swings out on my voicemail. It’s been great not ending a phone call a day in tears. Now, however, my brother is getting married, and I know we’ll be seated at the same table at the reception. There’s a chance that 10 years, having a baby granddaughter, and getting to see his son married (always a goal) will have him in a good mood, but that might swing over into maudlin (“princess why did you abandon me,” etc.). I have no idea how to navigate a dinner with him. Do I just ignore him? Treat him like an old acquaintance? What do I even say? I told my brother “don’t start no sh*t won’t be no sh*t,” as I am perfectly capable of being polite. I just don’t know how to act when I see him again, or what to say. Thank god it’s an open bar.

—Scared of Small Talk

Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.

Jenée Desmond-Harris: I know wedding etiquette can be tricky, and some people are more attached to particular traditions than others but come on, Letter Writer’s Brother! Just move some things around and put her at a different table. I mean, I know I would hesitate to seat two people together when one of them was going into the event with a “Don’t’ start no sh*t won’t be no sh*t” spirit. That basically tells me there will be some sh*t. Plus, many people who write to me are super worried about keeping a relative from creating “a scene” at their wedding, and shuffling the seating arrangements here seems like a really great way to make sure Letter Writer won’t end up running from the reception space in tears.

Joel Anderson: Yeah, I think this is something that Small Talk’s brother should be handling since he’s the one who’s placed his sister in this uncomfortable situation. That’s just an accepted part of wedding planning, you know? Figuring out who has beef with who, which friends no longer talk to each other, who might make a good match for your cousin, etc. You’d hope the brother would step in here.

Jenée: I can see the brother maybe thinking that because Dad wasn’t horribly abusive (instead, he just has a bad personality) it’s not a big deal. But it is! That said, he didn’t ask for advice, the LW did. I’m interested in what you think is the best plan out of the options I gave, but I also want to mention, “at least there’s an open bar” might not be a great thing. By all means, have a glass of wine to take the edge off, but I don’t think you want to be taking-advantage-of-an-open-bar drunk when you have this encounter.

Joel: Isn’t that the thing? It feels like whatever went down here is much deeper than narcissism and a little moodiness. But if we just accept the facts as stated by LW here, whatever happened, it was enough to justify this distance.

Of the options you suggested, C seems maybe the least disruptive but the most likely to fail. So if A doesn’t work out, then I’d try B with a little bit of C mixed in. Avoid areas where her dad will be. Linger around other groups of people. Take a couple of long bathroom breaks—I know from personal experience that it’s a decent sanctuary if you feel uncomfortable at any event.

Jenée: Unfortunately, at the last wedding I attended with an enemy (or at least someone who had decided I was her enemy) we ended up in the bathroom at the same time! The only two people in there! But that won’t be an issue because of the different genders here. So yeah, she should feel free to hide out.

Joel: That was actually a great time for you to attack her, but I guess you felt like you’d already gotten the best of her because you used to date her boyfriend smh. Anyway! Moving past that ugliness, I definitely think the LW should simply do what we call in football, “running out the clock.” Just a bunch of passive movements meant to get to the end of an event with the least amount of conflict and damage. Step outside with the smokers! Take a tour of the venue! Make a phone call!

Jenée: To clarify, I used to date her boyfriend who she had before her husband, who was her wedding date, so it was insane that she still hated me. But I gotta give credit for holding a strong grudge: We washed our hands next to each other, I smiled and said hi, and she held strong and simply glared.

Joel: Readers should know that this is the second time I’d been in the same place with Prudie and this woman, and both times she gave my wife the stank face. So whatever went down, it must’ve hurt lol. Either way, we never had to talk to her or her husband because we consciously avoided them. It wasn’t even all that hard to avoid them at a wedding because, remember, there’s SO MUCH going on and the day usually goes pretty quickly.

Jenée: And given the flagrant narcissism and emotional voice mails that were mentioned, I’m sure the bigger problem will be whatever inappropriate toast dad makes.

Joel: Absolutely. Also, let me suggest this: Leave early. We’ve actually done this at a friend’s wedding before. If it seems like things are interminably awkward and only likely to get worse, just call an Uber or sneak out during an opportune time. Wait until all the toasts are completed and then just take off. People hardly ever notice as long as you’re there for all of the pictures and complete whatever tasks you’re assigned.

Jenée: My rule is that you have to stay for one song after the first dance. But you can take one of your bathroom breaks during that song if it feels like too much.